What I Wish He Would Say.... (Poem)

First of all,

Deep down I have a fear of not being a good son and brother 

And most of all of not being the man and husband you deserve

The loss of my father is the worst pain I have ever felt

Witnessing my fathers lasts breaths and doing everything I could to save him and not being successful

I have regrets of not telling him how feel and not saying goodbye

Most of all I have regrets for the things I have said bout him 

and more than anything I wish I could take it back

and for that I hate myself

I feel it's now my responsibility to protect my mother 

And mostly my baby sister

Please know I feel like the whole world is on my shoulders 

And it is very overwhelming

I have a lot to deal with a lot I can't really deal with too much

I need you to understand

But I want you to know this:

I want to truly apologize for the pain I have caused you

I know I'm really hurting you

I know you've put up with so much

And I know I have said a lot of hurtful things

know that I truly hate myself for that more than you know

It's a lot to ask for you to wait

But I need this time to get back on my feet

If you choose not to wait you are free to go

But know this

I don't want to lose you

I don't want you to go

I love you with all my heart

You are the love of my life 

While I do all this

I promise to tell you I love you

Day in and day out

And show you how much I appreciate everything you've done

It breaks my heart to have to do this to you yet again 

But I have to do this

I am not leaving you I couldn't

This is not goodbye

When all is settled I will come to you and we will

Live happily ever after.....

I love you 

Love, Always and forever